Thursday, August 29, 2024

Gentleman

Tastes of salt and sea,
Of ripened olives.

Smells like soft light 
In early morning orchards.

Feels like rounded edges
After a glass, or three, of red.

Sounds like the soft landing
Of shyness fallen.

Gentlest of gentle man,
Lowered shoulders
Sweetly familiar.

Monday, May 6, 2024

Lay down your pen

Listen.

Feel the drumming?
Calling you to heal
So hard
That you can hear
Beyond your wounds.

Thundering bass
Can startle, shake, 
and scramble our story lines.

Our pens scratch wildly
Trying to make order
Trying to cover
Profound sound.

We armour ourselves 
with narratives familiar and 
closed.
Comfortable in chaos
And cages
These stories write and wrap
‘Round and ‘round 
Like a layered long embrace,
We feel safe in.

Holding us so tightly 
we forget how it feels to 
truly
breathe.

We’re more than the story
We write of ourselves.

We’re the drumming.
… Listen.

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Carries low (lyric)

 Shame carries low, carries low
 Shame carries low, carries low
 Shame weighs you down, weighs you down
 Shame carries low, carries low

I didn’t let go because you did it
But because you couldn’t see it

Shame carries low, carries low

In the bend is not the breaking
In the words is not the meaning
To be seen within the weeping
Is to heal

Even deep inside the fearing
We live our way into believing
Hands were reaching for the taking
Or not there

 Shame carries low, carries low
 Shame carries low, carries low
 Shame weighs you down, weighs you down
 Shame carries low, carries low

I didn’t let go because you did it
But because you couldn’t see it

 Shame carries low, carries low

Wednesday, February 28, 2024

Untitled (lyric)

Ten foot waves come crash against the sea shore
Washing clean the marks of an old war
Spins the breeze to blow away the feelings
Holding you from walking through to more

Here you are
It’s ok to fall

Step into the forest breathing deeply
Humming low with life no questions asked
Spread your arms and touch the lovely lichen
Feel yourself a part of all that’s passed

And in the spring when all is drenched in dew
Wet your lips on tears of this breakthrough
Dig your toes deep into earth and life
Welcome morning where you’ll realize

Here you are
It’s ok to fall

Friday, December 22, 2023

Nicotine

Today I woke tender,
Tired.
Weighty with disappointment.
I feel sorry,
For the ways I
Get in the way 
Of love.
For the shaking
Of heart and
Weakness 
Of resolve
To do better.

For the fear,
Of the needed breaking.
Of the spillage
Bound to happen,
The mess I’ll make
In order to clean.

Monday, August 30, 2021

Gender Role Based False Security

Lately I’ve been getting questions of who/where “the father” is, in my travels, or from strangers and known folks alike online. It’s really got me thinking.


Many of the men who ask are intrigued, but transparent in that they’re amazed it can be done without a man. Some even have judgement behind it, and have gone as far to say a child needs a father. It’s reminded me of someone I dated once. 

I was writing about an idea around the buried, subtle shame a large portion of men seem to carry for being a man, having born witness to men wronging women, and raised by strong, opinionated and feminist women of an era. How it can sometimes be the culprit of mansplaining, controlling behaviour, and overall insecurity, surfacing as overcompensation for the anger, (real or perceived), directed at their gender. This idea did not intend to excuse, by any means - but came about in an effort to understand the root cause.

I was studying IT at the time and wondering about job prospects - to which the person I was dating then said, with some disdain, “You’ll get hired because you’re a woman”. Not because I was bright, and able. Not because I loved problem solving and was a natural leader. Because I was a woman, and companies are pressured to become more diverse with equal representation, “ruining good job prospects for white men”.

In response to what I was writing, this person at the time went on to say that he feels he is rendered inconsequential. That “equality has set us back 100 years, because men are no longer needed to provide, and on top of that, only women can make decisions about their body when it comes to pregnancy, so they (he/men) feel lost.”

I should note that I'd seen no signs of these attitudes up to this point in dating him. I was floored, and thought, I must not be hearing right. So, I focused on trying to grasp his real meaning, as I am even to this day - and I can understand his feelings and the roots of them, triggered by changing times. I even had empathy. There was fear and sadness there, however misguided, and it was very real to him, and many other men. Clearly, that consideration was one-way, and I see now that my having empathy, while helping to keep me sane and human, also kept me in unhealthy dynamics too many times. I’ve since learned that I can have this understanding, but it does not mean I need to relinquish my own needs.

To imagine a life and children with someone with these insecurities, poorly cloaked in self-righteous resentment for equality, or womens rights… I would have continued to dim my light for his sake. 

I’m guessing he caught wind that I have a beautiful babe, as suddenly, 6 years later, my “Your profile was recently viewed by…” has several occurrences of him. 

I sure hope he has grown. That he is well, and happy.

But I’ve decided to block him. Because while I feel it’s important to reflect, and share this bit of my story now, I won’t need the reminder again. And because whatever opinion he may or may not have of me and my life now - I don't need to consider it, it is none of my business.

I am so grateful for the career I have now. For the confidence, encouragement and support I have found. For the male, female, and non-binary leaders who have and continue to create spaces where all can be fed and flourish in previously unwelcoming industries. And for how seldom I come across attitudes that are contrary to that inclusion now - they srill exist, there is work to do, but I am as out as I've ever been from under it. 

And so grateful for my sweet babe, who will be raised to love, to seek understanding rather than blame, to accept with respect to self - and to reflect on their feelings, as well as where those feelings really come from. I hope you never dim your light.



Wednesday, August 11, 2021

When We Were One

I was born to a giant in a small frame
Who roared like a lion but softest she sang
To her babes in the meadow on a hill in the fog
Where she’d dance with the fairies 
And cry to the gods

Now I see how far we’ve come
From the days when we were young

I gave birth to a warrior barely awake
He cried then laid his head for seven days
I meant to hold him as the roots, the river bank
As I’m held by the women
Who I could never thank

Don’t you know our time is spun
Upon the days when we are one

We are all of us made of the same things
Made of dust, and of spirit and of heartache
In our joy and our sorrow 
We’re finding our strength
For the love for tomorrow
And the world we create

Now I know how time is spun 
upon the days when we are one