Some weeks back, I received a message from a woman I’d never met, asking if she could send a voice note. I will call her Alice.
Her message was thoughtful, respectful, and also ominous. I instinctually knew immediately what the topic would be. I expected she knew we had a common story, something from both our pasts long gone. I accepted her offer of a voice message, and listened with trepidation - I was right in my instinct, but was surprised at how wrong too - it was not at all long past for her.
From this moment, a calm but shaky, steady but weighted processing began. I’m feeling a lot of things. Not least of all, what-ifs.
But I continue to fall back to this brimming of compassion for the people and families affected by a man over the years, myself included… these are my proverbial sisters, mothers, aunts from what seems a lifetime ago, all of us carrying an immense weight that we, at times, imagined lighter, or even may not have been consciously aware of at all.
What’s happened since this person connected with me, is a painful but astoundingly beautiful opening. This has come with so many emotions… the same that I experienced as a youth having been sexually assaulted, repeating now… vacillating from societally-ingrained minimization of what occurred, to accepting the violation for what it was. The guilt, disappointment, disgust, anger…
What is loudest through it all, though, is the compassion.
For my past self, still in so many ways a child. For the hurt caused to others since, and frustration, shame, sadness at not having somehow prevented it.
For his partner, what she must have been and must be experiencing now.
For Alice, perhaps the bravest of us all, forging forward, taking no shit, calling for accountability.
For everyone who experienced this, having to revisit something that’s much more comfortable to put away…. Revealing so clearly these days, the complicated layers of our experience in this world, exposed to these behaviours and violations. There is so much we share, that by nature makes us feel alone… what irony this is.
I’m amazed at the strength it takes to revisit such vulnerability. I’m awakened that this amazement is when I am considering the others, despite logically knowing this is what I am doing too. I’m strengthened by the knowledge that everyone in this is decidedly entering our own individual processing, strengthened by, and in order to, support of each other. How moving is this.
How long we’ve sat and accepted this thing that happened to us, until Alice, who, when learning it was not a one-off, could not let it slide. Now, so much is changing. While we may need to do work we never asked to do, and process feelings we never asked to feel, there is so much healing happening in this.
I will lean in, as much as I can, knowing if I cannot, there is space, support and respect for that as well.
Something beautiful is happening here.
I am inspired by Alice and so grateful for that voice note, a gentle invitation from a stranger to open the box and give it voice if I am ready.
I’m ready. Thank you.
To anyone with a story, whether you are ready or not ready to give it voice - in the words of Alice, “Whatever you choose to do is the right thing.”
There are so many people who support you, either way.
