Lately I’ve been getting questions of who/where “the father” is, in my travels, or from strangers and known folks alike online. It’s really got me thinking.
Many of the men who ask are intrigued, but transparent in that they’re amazed
it can be done without a man. Some even have judgement behind it, and have
gone as far to say a child needs a father. It’s reminded me of someone I dated
once.
I was writing about an idea around the buried, subtle shame a large portion of
men seem to carry for being a man, having born witness to men wronging women, and raised by strong,
opinionated and feminist women of an era. How it can sometimes be the culprit
of mansplaining, controlling behaviour, and overall insecurity, surfacing as
overcompensation for the anger, (real or perceived), directed at their gender.
This idea did not intend to excuse, by any means - but came about in an effort
to understand the root cause.
I was studying IT at the time and wondering about job prospects - to which the
person I was dating then said, with some disdain, “You’ll get hired because
you’re a woman”. Not because I was bright, and able. Not because I loved
problem solving and was a natural leader. Because I was a woman, and companies
are pressured to become more diverse with equal representation, “ruining good
job prospects for white men”.
In response to what I was writing, this person at the time went on to say
that he feels he is rendered inconsequential. That “equality has set us back
100 years, because men are no longer needed to provide, and on top of that,
only women can make decisions about their body when it comes to pregnancy, so
they (he/men) feel lost.”
I should note that I'd seen no signs of these attitudes up to this point in dating him. I was floored, and thought, I must not be hearing right. So, I focused on trying to grasp his real meaning, as I am even to this day
- and I can understand his feelings and the roots of them, triggered by
changing times. I even had empathy. There was fear and sadness there, however
misguided, and it was very real to him, and many other men. Clearly, that
consideration was one-way, and I see now that my having empathy, while helping
to keep me sane and human, also kept me in unhealthy dynamics too many times.
I’ve since learned that I can have this understanding, but it does not mean I
need to relinquish my own needs.
To imagine a life and children with someone with these insecurities, poorly
cloaked in self-righteous resentment for equality, or womens rights… I would have
continued to dim my light for his sake.
I’m guessing he caught wind that I have a beautiful babe, as suddenly, 6 years
later, my “Your profile was recently viewed by…” has several occurrences of
him.
I sure hope he has grown. That he is well, and happy.
But I’ve decided to block him. Because while I feel it’s important to reflect,
and share this bit of my story now, I won’t need the reminder again. And
because whatever opinion he may or may not have of me and my life now - I don't need to consider it, it is
none of my business.
I am so grateful for the career I have now. For the confidence, encouragement and support I have found. For the male, female, and non-binary leaders who have and continue to create spaces where all can be fed and flourish in previously unwelcoming industries. And for how seldom I come across attitudes that are contrary to that inclusion now - they srill exist, there is work to do, but I am as out as I've ever been from under it.
And so grateful for my sweet babe,
who will be raised to love, to seek understanding rather than blame, to accept with respect to
self - and to reflect on their feelings, as well as where those feelings really come
from. I hope you never dim your light.
