Held Here

It's the summer of my adult heart,
Who survived Winter's song, cold and long,
And Springs of growing pains.

My soul is wider now,
Having slept curled in blacks and whites,
Safe beneath their weight.
In the end it was the grey that brought the light,
And lines drawn so dark and deep between the Universe and me -
They fell away.

I saw her then.
Sitting across from me, swirls of energy,
While soft light sparked in eyes and hearts,
And background chatter played over
Jazz notes and drink orders.

I sat so still.
She looked searchingly at me,
Trying to see what she already knew.
I hold her in my mind there;
Under transparent masks, unprepared
For what she'd find in our spaces combined.
She didn't dance outside for long,
Her soul so brave, determined, strong...

I observed awhile, didn't trust
Myself enough to move an inch.
Patience.

She called me out so slowly,
Not knowing it was when she didn't try.
The way her head fell back, the thoughtful sigh,
The scent in her breath of the air inside her
Whispered invitations to explore.

Her lips...
My fingertips felt so alive
When I watched the soft curves in that slow smile,
And heard my hands plead leave to reach out,
Let them touch that mouth,
Swim in the sense like my eyes did the sight.

But I won't hold them tight for long,
I know what it is she speaks of now.
Instinct longing to be unthinking.
I'll let it take the rest of me,
Let go the hold on a sense of safety I,
no longer have to seek.

I'll learn what it means to set myself free.

Clean Hands

Naked hands open to last year's hurricanes,
Blown clean and breathing
Freedom.
I remembered then
What my skin feels like
Smooth and young,
Uncovered.

I let myself in on my own secret;
I never liked the feel of it there.

So strange to wake from moments
Floating between
Presence in my aloneness here
And random thoughts of you -
To discover my thumb checking,
Between second and third fingers
Involuntarily.

Shake Your Fate

Rounded eyelids, heart shaped lips,
Free fly, despite the tethered feathers,
Finding pleasure amidst the ever
Resolving past mis-hits.

She learned a lot, she knows her part,
She stayed in darkness long enough
To know the glow that told her,

No.

You gotta turn it on.


There is no dawn that shines in shyness,
FuckThatShit.

Light the fire that lives inside you,
You weren't meant to dim it, fake it,
question where it came in.

Just jump the gun, who says that's what
Can keep you grounded?

Maybe you were meant to find
A brighter light to take it higher,
That's what it took to discover
It ain't outside you.

Your inner sun, bringing you one
Who sees right through you, knows it too,
And has the strength to hold onto
Desire, the inner kind,
That finds a way to take today,
Make it what you always wanted -

That's the trick, it makes no difference
How you get there.
The universe, She doesn't care,
Until you're ok where
It is you are,
I'm right here.

Gently

Write for her the story of
The souls inside us.
Where all the heads are held high,
and space finds safety,
In the quiet between breaths
Of our heartbroken,
Beautifully bare and alone,
Body shaking cries.
Where cold and cutting
Pain finds the undying smile
And they linger there,
To hold each other awhile.

Courage = Desire > Fear

I need to write this down.
I need to hold this like I would a small soft thing,
Fragile and precious and God given.

I need to walk with it in the forefront of my mind
This gorgeous warmth, and acceptance,
This break from the mind to know oneness
That exists when I stop reasoning.
It's in reasoning I fear.

Love. Trust.
What already exists, what is there to be had -
I am listening to you.

I will sit in my soul and know
What is in your eyes, is in mine.
When I look to me,
I recognize you -

It is not a need,
It is not something to hold onto,
It is not even ours -
*Love is a tree that grew, and we are the shade.

I will be it's shade.

Separate, alone,
Strong on our own.
It will grow.
Falters included,
Our own goals will renew this.

Here is what I now know:
Realities need not discourage,
When all there is
Is my part
And that is enough.


* From Rumi's The Intellectual is Always Showing Off

Love Me Right (Song Lyric)

girl stepped to the music and the walls bent back
danced like a fox with a wild wild cat
girl smoked out the water and dried the sea
girl stopped the world spinning when she looked at me

oh yeah she loved me right
loved me right all through the night

she got a smile like the devil and a bite that stings
then she's oh so gentle make the angels sing
she can rock me heavy make my body shake
then turn on a dime make my poor heart ache

oh won't you love me right
for your touch you gonna make me fight
c'mon baby now just be nice
for that fire I got a light
oh can she love me right
straight down the barrel got me in her sight
yeah girl can love me right
love me right all through the night
love me right all through the night

Discovering Self

In life there were times when I've tried on different suits, seeking self.

I've seen a lot of this in others, tried a lot on myself - oblivious to being lost. In fact, believing with conviction to the contrary, by clinging so hard to ideas I had of myself.

A daughter, a sister, a supervisor, a manager. A below $--k to above income.

A wife... (That was a big one).

A poet, a singer, a writer... a million things.
All my own definitions, created for my own reasons.

It takes real, grueling work to open up and step away from these ideas of self.
What will you be without them? What shame will surface?
Will I be right to have, at times, despised myself?
Will I learn that I actually neglected myself instead?

And will I understand how, and why - and forgive and give love to the all-consuming part of me that was floating with no roots planted, full of false pride.

Forgive, so I can go home to me, and live from her.

Home.
Human.

Changing, always changing - just like life. Like watching a river flowing.
Water, appearing as one body. But each drop is changing, moving, flowing faster than I can see. Each drop is here, then gone, replaced by another, and another... it never stays.

Or the cells in my body, morphing, splitting, recreating, never the same.

Or Time...
Time is always changing.
One second replaced by another, continuing to change and never be the same again.

I can flow with life. I can flow as life.
And if I can accept that about myself, the truth of change -
then I will see, allow, accept it everywhere.
The love, and light, and connection in it to those who live and love with me.
I will see and accept it in the plants and animals, the space and city, the Universe,
the people I'm surrounded with...
And I will let them see me if they can, and understand if they can't.

I will see that no one thing is who I am.
No role, no job, no property, no country - it's in the whole that I belong.
The whole that is only discovered in the world after it is discovered in me.

That is where I'll open to all that I am - which is everything.
Everything and anything, lives in me, and I can be and do it.
All jobs, all properties, all titles, all countries.
I am a part. I am the universe. And I am me.

... humans were made different it seems. Something more to ponder:
Made with ego, awareness, and the ability to see outward goals.
To, (potentially) be conscious of our motives.
To choose our motives, and our thoughts.
Perhaps this is why the struggle to sync with the rest of the world - the earth, the seasons, nature - is just that: A struggle. Maybe it's the point of our creation, to learn our place.
(I say "our", because I know it as my goal, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in it.)

And perhaps that's why it's so powerful, so awe-inspiring, soul-shaking;
such a drastic change in our mindfullness, and, subsequently, our lives,
when the goal is attained - if only for a fleeting moment.

I find the more I aim for it, the longer I stay in it.