Just Before The Green

Spring makes the Earth soft,
like a new thing,
Soon to be budding,
While the woodsmoke fades.

We uncover our tender places,
Roots that rise through warm mud.
I was a post for new antlers
And you took off my skin.

If only we'd been less thinking,
More, deeply listening,
The way I know what I don't want,
I am unwanted, too.

The way, we both already knew.

I'm glad for what I didn't show,
And what it taught me of you.
As grateful for the smoothness
Reestablished,
Giving us both
More room to grow.

If I Were Anyone Else

If I were anyone else, I'd say,

Dear lovely thing,
Open your eyes!
All around are encounters of the universal kind.

Some say magic,
Some say fate,
I say the world is a beautiful place.

And when the 'need' to know arises,
Consider it's a liar,
Convincing you it's safer to see all you can in advance.

You don't need to know when and how to dance.
Just close your eyes, slow the mind,
Open your hands.

Yes, you're still a little shaken.
A little less collected than expected.
Brief connections show you this;
All of it,
Is just what is.

Although you love to make it so,
There is no line between the world and you.
Here is what's true:

There is no outcome worthy of your fear.

Just be here.

If I Were More Myself

If I were more myself today...

I would say I am hopeful, a little locked inside, a bit afraid,
but mostly in the midst of a healthy hesitance
to let go or be foolish, despite a powerful intrigue,
and youthful desire to do so.

I'd tell you I have a fierce desire to make a space for you,
where you'd be comfortable with me
as you are with your own thoughts at night.

I'd like to know the side of you that's safe in silence and space between us.
I'd like to be calm enough to be present for those, and not want to distract.
Be still.

I'd like to be close friends.
In the way that when you're excited about something, pleased or proud,
I'm one of the ones you think to tell.
I want you to understand enough of me that you'd be interested in the same,
because any seemingly superficial reasons for excitement come from a deeper place,
and have a lot of healing weight.

I'd like to kick your ass in something.
Anything.
Except, I kind of don't...

I'd tell you I'd like to come out of my shell, talk to you the way you want,
find words in person
and in bed
to drive you mad -
and equally as much, I want you to lie quiet, no talking allowed,
no persona or fantasy to hide behind.
Take my time, slowly, completely present to each body part I touch,
each contact of my skin on yours,
each breath and wave of desire I can sense and respond to.

I want to watch you go all the way over the edge
to a soulful, moaning climax,
and feel your weight fall after.

I want to know your facial expression when you're at your most vulnerable,
with no attempt to cover, fade or fix it.

Above all, I want you to be
wherever you are, at any moment.
For anything less than real would leave us both with the slight, haunting taste of dissatisfaction.

~

If, when we meet and have learned something of eachother,
And you don't fit the above, let's be friends.
True ones, who love and are brim with understanding - but not to be confused with in-love.

If you do... let's not be such fools
As to keep our face to the ground for a too-long timid minute -
there is no dawn that shines in shyness.

Let's be brave and unabashed, but only if we're ready,
because timing isn't part of what's within our own, albeit powerful, grasp.

Let's be kind, and true, regardless of bruises to the ego.
Let's be vulnerable,
And let what's right and natural come as it may, no forcing, no longing -
When you long, keep your feet to the ground, your seat in the cushion, and stay present.
Look around.
Be happy where you are now,
and natural outcomes will be sure to surprise you.

Coffee Talks

I walked by
a serious conversation
in a coffee shop
between father and son.
It all came back.
My knees went a little weak
Remembering
when he told mom.
When she held herself
composed
until we turned a corner
and then I thought
I'd have to carry her to the car.

I remember wishing
I could feel grief like that.

And I wondered
If the news
In the coffee shop today
was shaking their world
As mine had shaken.

In that moment,
Wishing I could go back
and hear it again,
To feel grief like that.

Still in the aftershocks
Even once it's over
And he's gone.

July

July.

The middle of life opening, 

for most

Is when he had to go.

His bad days became always

And what it meant changed

From sadness and stress

To death.

For a moment he stayed

Only to say

Of all the things he'd accomplished

We were the best.

And then he left.

First to sleep hours away,

Waking angry that we didn't wake him to say, 

"not yet -

There's still life to live!"

 

But what could we have said?

To wake the bones,

To take away the regret?

On the day his breath

Became rattled and ragged

I watched the sunrise.

Then went and told him

I watched it, for him -

The moment when the sunlight

Is enough to see the other side

But still the city lights shine

Bright enough.

The in-between,

He shared with me

Unknowingly.

We told him of his bravery

And grace.

We kissed his face,

And said, "we'll be ok."

This was today.

The mind I needed,

The voice that spoke to

Depths of soul and truth -

Cut through to it,

Gently, without apology.

Rests, 

finally, 

knowing

How powerful his love,

And that he's loved.

Close

Last night
He asked me to lay down beside him.
He held my head,
With both arms.

I was conscious of the weight
On his shoulder.
Of the bones
And frail.

Of his guitar nails
Tickling my shoulder
Like when I was a child.

I could hear his heartbeat
Unsteady.
Breath pausing for too long.
A slight movement made
So he'd inhale again.

Then he asked me
If I ever wondered about
Our minds being too closed...

I told him
Only when I think it's open.

The Truth About Life

Sometimes, your petals fall off.

Sometimes it's winter and
You search for water and green
But find a sea of white.

Sometimes you're the one cloud
Separate and lagging
Behind the rest racing for
An endless blue above the ocean.

Sometimes a smile
And a hand-hold
Mean the whole world.

Sometimes you need your kid
To read you Rumi.
To sit with you quietly
While you cry on the inside.

Until you wake up in the deepest breath,
The clarity that makes no sense
In all this fear of life and death,

We're blessed to be here.