Friday, March 22, 2013

Early Adieu

He told me today.
Aggressive and late detected.
For a moment I was 12.

I felt like my petals fell off
Like a strong current swept me,
Helpless and spinning
Tossed up and under
Blinded, childlike,

As if it were winter and
I bent towards earth buried.
Seeking, searching,
Water and green,
Beneath a sea of white.

Like I was the one cloud
Separate and lagging
Behind the rest racing for
An endless blue above the ocean.


Stopped me, spun me,

I watch closely now.
The eyes that are mine
In the face growing thin,
Talking quickly,
Guilt ridden.

"It's not your fault, Dad.",
I want to tell him.
Smile and show him I'm ok.
But my eyes are his and he knows
Their nuances.
The truth within the slight
Somber understanding.

Then I held it together,
Smiled, stayed practical.
I felt his heavy thanks,
The wave of graciousness.
I thought of his strength and pain,
This beautiful man trying to figure out the impossible;

How do you tell your child you’re dying?

We left smiling
I told a joke.
I hugged him close and he choked
On tears not meant to be seen.

Then we left cheerily.

Hung my head as soon as the car door closed.
Couldn't hold
My heart,
or him here.

It's ok.
This will fade into acceptance,
peace and light for having such
A blessing.

You've been the best thing.
Taught me patience, love, understanding
Relinquishing the shallow things
Awareness of ego and
The soulful self reflection -

You were everything you should've been
For me.

There is greatness in him.
A man who stands beside a child and opens wide,
Unaware of what is shared with the world.
A man who sits with dying friends,
Who understands the loneliness,
Who hands out companionship,
Despite the cost in loss.

Don't doubt it now,
Reflect and feel your soul, proud,
Of all you leave behind.
Seven lovely lives,
that never would've been without you.

I'll take you where you wished you'd gone,
The Andes, Cuba, the amazon
We'll pray with shamans and walk the Inca trail.

Then visit cities, like new Orleans,
Boston, Memphis Tennessee,
All the blues bars, rock and jazz,
I'll hear you in the walls there,
Underneath the notes played,
Inside the knowing faces,
Of those who feel the same.

Your love lasts miles
Despite any distance.
There is music we can listen to,
Whenever we might need to hear you,
Landscape we can look upon,
To feel your hippie spirit, strong,
Rocking solos as you forget to breathe.

Now there's no need.

We'll take in all the air you left us
Ocean breezes, mountain echoes
Phone calls to answering machines
Messages you left me,
"Even the fucking bears would miss you if 

you were gone".
You will live on.

In every new dirt my feet land on
In every foreign face I lay eyes on
In all the life I come upon,
You'll be.

My father living through me.

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