Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Same Sea

I have some things to tell you.

Although there are a thousands reasons I couldn’t be with you, 
only one why I would have, 
it doesn’t change because I couldn’t.

Do you remember the night we talked? 
We really talked?
I held you - and you, in your way, held me. 
Loving you was a relief I didn’t expect, and an amount I’d never imagined possible. 
I’m not sure how much was said, but we spoke a million words without sounds. 
So much was connected between you and I that night. 
I felt you through me, in my past and my future - 
I felt the impossible;
to feel you so strongly through the stages of my life, when I had to leave you. 

I had to let you go.

That night, I felt like I was a drop of water, and you, the sea.
I floated through, in and out of my separateness from you, until we were merged,
and there was only love.
Nothing has ever been more confusing, or made as much sense, 
as how impossible that was;
That we could be the same water, and it be so real.

We were so gentle with one another... 
Swaying together, like seaweed drifting through low tide. 
Like hammocks in the breeze, 
or the old porch swings elderly couples hold hands on, 
watching the goings-on of children.

Like mothers, nursing babes in rocking chairs.

I was Mother Earth. 
You were the galaxy, the milky way, every star that ever held light, 
and you held me.

For awhile I’d forgotten what you woke in me. 

I suppose I had things too big to be felt for awhile, when you left - 
I had an emptiness to embrace in order to someday be done with. 
Here, on the other side of that, I’m filled with the memory of the cleanest kind of love 
you sparked. 
And the reminder, of what I learned of myself. 
The dreams I have and things I’m meant to do - as true as the love that surged and swelled and flowed and broke my heart that night. 

So I wanted you to know, I’m ready to do them now. 
The tides are roaring again, and this time I don’t fear the action. 
This time, I trust - the galaxy, the milky way, and every star that ever held light.

You are not lost, my beautiful, faceless babe - the depths of my soul and heart know this.
I am not lost, and despite that you were never born, you are the biggest reason for that.

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