Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Discovering Self

In life there were times when I've tried on different suits, seeking self.

I've seen a lot of this in others, tried a lot on myself - oblivious to being lost. In fact, believing with conviction to the contrary, by clinging so hard to ideas I had of myself.

A daughter, a sister, a supervisor, a manager. A below $--k to above income.

A wife... (That was a big one).

A poet, a singer, a writer... a million things.
All my own definitions, created for my own reasons.

It takes real, grueling work to open up and step away from these ideas of self.
What will you be without them? What shame will surface?
Will I be right to have, at times, despised myself?
Will I learn that I actually neglected myself instead?

And will I understand how, and why - and forgive and give love to the all-consuming part of me that was floating with no roots planted, full of false pride.

Forgive, so I can go home to me, and live from her.


Changing, always changing - just like life. Like watching a river flowing.
Water, appearing as one body. But each drop is changing, moving, flowing faster than I can see. Each drop is here, then gone, replaced by another, and another... it never stays.

Or the cells in my body, morphing, splitting, recreating, never the same.

Or Time...
Time is always changing.
One second replaced by another, continuing to change and never be the same again.

I can flow with life. I can flow as life.
And if I can accept that about myself, the truth of change -
then I will see, allow, accept it everywhere.
The love, and light, and connection in it to those who live and love with me.
I will see and accept it in the plants and animals, the space and city, the Universe,
the people I'm surrounded with...
And I will let them see me if they can, and understand if they can't.

I will see that no one thing is who I am.
No role, no job, no property, no country - it's in the whole that I belong.
The whole that is only discovered in the world after it is discovered in me.

That is where I'll open to all that I am - which is everything.
Everything and anything, lives in me, and I can be and do it.
All jobs, all properties, all titles, all countries.
I am a part. I am the universe. And I am me.

... humans were made different it seems. Something more to ponder:
Made with ego, awareness, and the ability to see outward goals.
To, (potentially) be conscious of our motives.
To choose our motives, and our thoughts.
Perhaps this is why the struggle to sync with the rest of the world - the earth, the seasons, nature - is just that: A struggle. Maybe it's the point of our creation, to learn our place.
(I say "our", because I know it as my goal, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in it.)

And perhaps that's why it's so powerful, so awe-inspiring, soul-shaking;
such a drastic change in our mindfullness, and, subsequently, our lives,
when the goal is attained - if only for a fleeting moment.

I find the more I aim for it, the longer I stay in it.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for pondering the elusiveness of life and self ---- and sharing it so beautifully.